Born @ 27 weeks
2lbs 7oz

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Soul Fillers

Those moments... Soul Fillers.

The ones that literally make you freeze, blink thoughtfully and question how you can preserve this moment.
These moments are usually an ambush.
You're never ready, waiting with a pen and paper, anxious to record.
They suck away your breath.
And leave your smile so authentic that tears well in your eyes.

The moment is often fleeting, but rich and filling of the soul.
And just as fast as is appears, it is gone.

There are precious moments like: 

Christmas and birthdays 


The Broncos vs the Panthers


The first day of kindergarten


Even the Easter Egg Hunt earlier today.


While priceless, these are scripted. 
These are the moments where it is so important to be 'precious' that we place additional anxiety in picture taking, bow ties, frilly dresses, matching pajamas...somebody's lap (Santa, a grandparent, the Easter Bunny).  

"Smile". I bark.
"SMILE!" I snap agitated.
How lovely.

"Look happy!"
Because that's something false I want to instill in my kids.

It's the moment.
We're running late. Everyone is dressed. Everyone is together.
Let's pause and take 50 photos.
It always goes over well.

These moments are important, even invaluable, but they are supposed to be.

I'm talking about the magical moments that bombshell you while driving home from a dentist appointment or snuggling in bed at night (when you are secretly looking forward to time to yourself).

Those moments... They may not be pretty or perfect or even ideal. 
More like:  Unscripted.  Authentic. (perfect)

I took Nash to the doctor a couple weeks ago for a minor limp. I knew before we even walked into the appointment I had made 5 days earlier that it was unnecessary, but we kept it regardless.

Nash laid on the table and the Dr said, 'Hey Nash, how old are you?' 
"Six." he replied. 
"And where do you go to school?"
 And Nash politely responded. 

A thoughtful pause ensued.

Nash voluntarily continued, "But my Mom and Dad are looking at other schools. I don't think they like it."

Room Silence.
(And Mommy awe).

My brain dissects:
1. Never once have we said we didn't love Nash's school to him
2. We have spent the last 4 months researching and studying the best fit for our boys
3. We have never talked to the boys about it.
4. We had no idea he knew.

That moment - although Nash and I spend countless hours together, infinite time to have this very meaningful and planned discussion. That moment that is crucial, formative and telling of our future.

Fast forward five minutes and Dr. J asked Nash to lie on his belly so he could look at his entire leg (i.e. - the limp).

Nash waits until the silence is still and the doctor is focused on his leg.
Then...
he RIPS a toot right in the doctors face. 😏

Those are NOT the moments I'm talking about (but nonetheless timely).

The moments I'm talking about are nights like tonight - this wild and crazy Saturday night - where we have just finished Family Fondue and everyone is on a chocolate high. Shaw and Daddy moved in the direction of bed, expecting Nash to follow.



That old song, 'I Can't Help Falling in Love with You' came on the radio and I asked Nash to dance. 

He is so big now, I can't hold him for long, but I did tonight. He placed his head in my shoulder and we spun around our tiny kitchen. I sang the words over and over again praying that he could possibly comprehend how much we love him.

And he said, 'You know, Mom, I'm the one who made you a Mommy.'

Soul Filler.
*moment*

'Well, yes. Nash. You did. I was just Candace Richter before we made you.'

I paused and swallowed a little too hard.

'Nash, it wasn't until I met you that I had the best, most important job in the entire word. YOU made me a Mom. I am so lucky to be your Mom."

And just as abruptly as the song wrapped, 
He wiggled free.
Oblivious of the hold he had on my heart.
He gave me a peck on the lips, where I positioned myself for a tremendous and meaningful embrace, (which did not happen).
And he ran off to bed.

Freeze. 

Those are the moments.